Behold! It is here! My first pube!
Archer: There’s my favorite section head!
Pam: I am dealing with the breakroom problem!
Archer: Oh, good, you caught the, uh, oh wait, I had something good for this… the… “Pita Predator”.
Pam: You know what?
Archer: …Sorry, let’s just call it what it is: food rapist.
Pam: Not a pretty name, is it?
MRS SLOCOMBE: Yes well, I met my husband in a German air raid. His face was lit from an incoming incendiary, he threw me flat on me face and said ‘look out, here comes a big one!’
MR LUCAS: They didn’t have much time for chatting in those days
George Sr.: I never see you anymore, Michael.
Michael: You’re in prison. And I was here yesterday.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah, that’s… That’s… I’m sorry. I couldn’t break away from the poker game. Capital-G was down to his boxers.
Michael: Strip poker?
George Sr.: Yeah, and it’s tough. We can really only play about… Two hands.
Eerie, Indiana, day 45. I knew my hometown was going to be different from where I grew up in New Jersey, but this is ridiculous. Nobody believes me, but Eerie is the centre of weirdness for the entire planet. Item: A guy that looks suspiciously like Elvis lives on my paper route. Item: Big Foot eats out of my trash. Item: A bizarre housewife cult in town has been sealing up their kids in giant rubber kitchenware so they don’t age. And now, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I discovered that in Eerie, even man’s best friend is up to no good. When I try to tell this to my family they just think I’m weird.Better weird than dead.
Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness to it.
My audience loves me. And I love them. And they love me for lovin’ them and I love them for lovin’ me. And we love each other. And that’s cause none of us got enough love in our childhoods. And that’s showbiz, kid.
